Rains of wisdom!

I jogged today, by the lake which is one of my favorite places, where thoughts accompany me more than anyone else. That bliss and solitude of being able to be one with nature whilst soaking in several reflections is a space I treasure.

The weather was pleasant and I could hear the thundering clouds, the breeze was refreshing and it was a relief to be out from the scorching heat that Bangalore has been subject to in the last few months.

The heavens opened up and there was a big downpour, there were few people walking and everyone scurried for shelter on the tank bund. Few found trees, while few cut short their walk, some more chose to run, the children playing cricket dashed right out of the park. 

The rain lashed out and got heavier, I could not see much, the ground below my feet was all slippery and slushy, the jog however was enjoyable and the rain seemed to be watering away all my troubles. The reflective thoughts in me turned to enjoyment, of just the ecstasy of letting the rain drench away the worries and the maladies. I saw the sheltered few staring at me with amusement and a smile.

To me the world had stopped, I knew nothing of what was on my mind, I had no control over when I chose to ponder about, it was just "being in the moment". For several minutes I just stood by myself enjoying myself, surrendering to the "raw power" of nature.

I felt the rain beating down on me, it was cold, the breeze added charm to the slight shivers. There was beauty around me, the leaves sashaying like they were dancing to the rain,bamboo shoots swaying like they were welcoming the rain, the smell of the earth in the rain was tantalizing, the view was blurred and I could see no further than a few feet, yet I continued to move. 

The rain calmed my senses and soothed me into a different realm of thoughts. 

I went back to a few events of my life:

I fought against all odds and signed up for a piece of land, even though I was quite unsure, it never materialized and I lost my investment.

I ran after my dream job, and I got it too, later to realize that the dream was more about the money and not about what I was passionate about.

I tell my children they can be whatever they please to be, yet they must achieve great grades, now I realise I am not convinced if that even applies in today's world. Still the need in me to oft repeat this statement to them.

I lost contact with a good friend, I now recall literally annoying her to be in touch with me for the longest of times...and feeling the turmoil every night, am much at peace after accepting that the relationship no longer exists.

I remember chasing a promotion that was never even meant to be, I feel the pain of being rejected, now I see logic and understand it was never meant to be.

I know the anxiety of wanting to have a child, combating the odds, it happened when it was meant to.

I re-live the panic at losing a game, I bethink the multiple prayers for something that was never meant to be.

I can envisage several instances where I have force fitted my needs, my wishes and wants onto myself and others - antithetical to what was meant to be, more often than not these situations have yielded no peace, no happiness and no results.

I can look at the number of times I was sick and my body would need the rest, yet I battled the odds, just to tell myself I could handle anything.

I know I have said, I surrender, but have spent disquiet moments waiting for the outcome I desired.

I can dwell on the number of times I have held on and and not surrendered to the emotions or the feelings that I have felt. Probably that is so deep rooted in my, that the trend of choosing holding onto control would be far higher than the times I give into vulnerability and surrender.
  I have blamed others, my loved ones for my feelings and emotions of pain and hurt, not because I accepted what was within me, but because I wanted to be in control and hence I could never be wrong. It seemed that the easiest way, was to say how the other made me feel.

Time changes you and the events that encompass you, yet we expect everything else to remain at a constant, whether its a relationship or an emotion.

I liked to believe that I was one of those people who believed in the greater power and could surrender myself to that power and everything else.

The rains today chaperoned a question to me:

"Are you in Incomplete Surrender or In "Complete Surrender"?

Children I see are the best example of being in complete surrender to their emotions and feelings...

There has been an uneasiness in me, every time something was going the way I wanted it to, sort of coerced the universe to drive it my way, yet it was not meant to be. ..some of these situations still make me queasy, although it is exactly what I wanted and the way I wanted it.

Disclaimer : Surrendering to what is is does not absolve you from the actions that you need to take to achieve your goals. It only means that you have the ability to dream a dream and work towards it, yet being open to riding in the direction of the winds and allowing the winds to propel you to your destination.