Monday Musings - The Wall

Over the last several years, I have found it difficult to make new friends. Sometimes I wonder if I have become emotionless and if eventually I will become friendless!! Its been over a decade since anyone became a cherished person or a confidante to me.

I am known to be someone who keeps only a closed circle of friends and someone who appears talkative and an extrovert, yet deep within is a wall of defense that I appear to have built for myself.

I see it, I feel it many a time in my smile, in the super superficial conversations that I can keep up with a few.

I am assuming that I am not lonely in this journey, fact being that I am choosing to write about it while many probably talk about it  or just let it be.

WHY THE WALL

I guess it happens as a survival instinct, you sort of build an invisible wall around, a barricade which ensures that not many emotions & people reach the "heart"!

That little voice which kind of cautions you to stay away.

It is the war between the brain and the heart. The brain says dont get too close, cause there is hurt on the way. Yet the heart appears to have a mind of its own and follows a course that none can control or correct.

Creating an invisible boundary makes it impenetrable. It means that  few negative emotions do not affect you.

I have been called several names in the last few months. Some who see goodness in me call me "Wonderful, The Bull, Iron Lady, Strong Woman, Multi Talented, Creative " and more.

The reality is that you are all of the above and probably more! Wear the hat of a mother, daughter, sister, wife, daughter in law, the boss in the office and the friend who is tenacious.

All of the above add expectations.

I now understand the meaning behind the statement "Its lonely at the top".You are tough, capable and staunch in your being.

Being vulnerable is not easy and you plausibly disallow vulnerability too. Many a time it is about staying strong, proving yourself and making it look effortless.

You get habituated to being strong. You have set an expectation that you can handle anything and not be flustered!

It appears that you can take everything in your stride, you are a fighter, made of iron and that you have secured yourself.

I have also been called arrogant, witch, dominating and a lot more, some of which I pretend to ignore.

Founding your own company is not an easy task, if you dont have the above virtues, you end up acquiring them in the course of managing and taking your business to the next level. It is learning on the go, dealing with challenges that arise and simultaneously applying some of those life's lessons at work too!

Considerable wisdom has been acquired in the last few years.

Leading a group of entrepreneurs is no mean task, each person has character and stands tall in their category of business. Being a lady leading them is bigger vice.

It is indeed lonely at the top, you wonder if you have become a Mrs Doubting Thomas and if your associates are really true.

Ever so often you realize that you  dont even have the mind space or the bandwidth to think or feel about the people who are important to you. You do miss them yet an opportunity to express that is rare. Work takes over.

I believe that we are here to make a difference to people. A positive one at that.

May our tribe increase